Remember the Smurfs? And how they would always say “smurf” things? I use the words “monster,” “pants,” “face,” and “head” kinda like that. Been doing it for a few years now. They can replace a lot, but context is everything. That’s how we knew what smurf meant: “Smurf your whole day long” versus “Smurftastic” versus “Hi, Papa Smurf!” And, as with everything, tone says a lot. Body language even more.
“Hey, while you’re in the fridge, grab that avocado for me?” Luc might ask me.
“You’re an avocado FACE,” I might reply with a big smile and the avo offered up — as if to say, “Here’s your avocado, Luc.” Or I might ask, “Are you going to be an avocado monster?” — that would be more like “So, are you gonna eat all that avocado? Also, are you sharing?”
These replacement words aren’t new for me. They follow one of my original verbal quirks: “meow.” Really more like “shmeow.” And that’s just the best approximation I can make with the written word. I went through a phase — a phase that lasted years — where I would make cat noises to express myself from time to time. And by “from time to time” I mean “every damn day.” Most people seemed ok with it — my loved ones are and have been accustomed to certain weirdness over here. Some even adopted it — I would have mini cat conversations with some of my closest friends. All you can really infer is from intonation, and even that’s usually just play. But whatever, it was fun. I would hiss, too. Still do. That’s actually a great way to show disapproval, especially when the situation you don’t like is out of earshot and you’re really just letting your old man know you didn’t like what just happened. Literally catty.
Anyway, now I have these other variations. If someone dishes out a witty dis and I blank on a real comeback, I default to childlike humor. “Well, YOU’RE an overly liberal FACE who doesn’t think enough about long-term MOSNTERS!” is something that might come out of my mouth.
They work for short, angry outbursts, too. Especially when directed at inanimate objects: computers, phones, traffic (not inanimate, but uncontrollable by you), etc. Just pick a swear word and add one of those replacement words: “Gotdamn faces!” “Fuck monsters!” Then change it up and replace the cuss word: “Stupid PANTS!” “Moronic HEAD!” It makes getting worked up more entertaining at least.
When something good happens: “Awesomepants!” When something bad happens: “Shittymonsters.” Your friend gets a promotion? “Congratulationspants, Miss New Job Face!” Maybe you’re relaying dramatic gossip: “She was a total freakout head!” There are SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.
I’ve noticed that some of these words have started to catch on in certain ways. Just wait, in a couple more years they’ll be the new rage. People will have hoodies that say “monster” and messenger bags that say “face.”*
*Also, after my college friend Joe posted a video I like, someone in his comments said they wanted a shirt that says “pants” — see? Already. Starting.
