grown obsession
I know some people, all in their mid/late-20s, who are obsessed with the idea of ‘growing up’ and ‘being an adult’ — like it’s this milestone, age, or other specific point in time that you hit and then all of a sudden You Are An Adult. They don’t mean ‘maturity’ — it’s something more evasive than that. And I know they aren’t talking about turning 18 either. I even want to say to them, “Yeah, there were a few of those points in time already: at 16 there’s driving; at 18 you get to vote, you get the title, plus all the other shit; and at 21 you can finally go into just about any establishment in the U.S. and toss back a whisky. Oh, and at 25 you can rent a car. Those are the only ages that really define anything. All the rest of this ‘growing up’ shit? Talking about it like there’s a report card that will pass you onto Adulthood? That’s all in your head. Unlike school and work, life is without progress reports or salary reviews.” But I don’t say any of that, especially in the tone I hear in my head. Instead I come up with a nice way of saying something innocuous, “I think, like the rest of life, it’s all about the journey,” and I stop there and then concede that we are all “growing up, I guess.”
Yes, I know we’re all more mature than we were 10, 5, even 2 years ago. That’s obvious to me (Who is really immune to change, especially in their 20s?). But it’s the way they talk about it – like Adulthood is going to hit them the way Puberty did. Like they think their voices will start cracking again, or that hormones will kick their body into a weird overdrive again. They want something really apparent to signal the onset of Adulthood, for them and — it seems — people around them. They also imply a sort of betterness to it. Like being an adult is better than being a kid. In some ways, it definitely is. But kids have an insight and a drive that hasn’t yet been fucked up or halted or otherwise impaired by life — and ‘being child-like’ has always been a desirable quality in grown folk, no?
The reason it jumps out at me is because the people I see who obsess over being an Adult are definitely not always adult-like in their interactions and reactions. Sometimes they’re even childish. They’ll accuse others of not being “adult” enough, or they blame the fact that they’re becoming boring people on “growing up.” I don’t have the heart to tell them that their obsession with being an adult obviously betrays their insecurities, and it seems tied to them to acting like a kid in the worst ways; immature, short-sighted or even downright mean at times.
None of this would bug me if I hadn’t absorbed some of the obsession. So lately, I’ve been looking in the mirror, wondering, “So, when am I a grown-up?” I have yet to get an answer.
I try to counter those thoughts with the idea of balance. I know there is a difference between children and adults, but both have great traits. And what’s with the obsession? And why now? Why not right before your turned 18? Or right after? What is it about being in your 20s that makes you so focused on some abstract notion of “growing up?”
I babysat a friends’ kid recently and the little boy asked, “Are you a woman?” I answered, “Some say so, but I think I’m a girl.”
He took a good, long look at me.
“Nope. You’re a woman.”
I think I need to go ask these folks what “grown up” means.
To me, a big point in growing up is living away from your parents and paying all of your own bills. To totally support yourself and your choices and their consequences.
Definitely. I think that’s about how I would define it, too. The idea of making choices and really living with the results — that seems like something very definitive of Grown Up. And if that’s the case, then most of us have been grown-up for quite a while.
But I do get the impression that 20-somethings go through a period where that isn’t enough of an explanation — they allude to some intangible thing that makes a person Adult. That is the thing I want to know about.
Then again, we’ll probably all hit 30 and realize your definition is actually the most accurate ;)
hmmm, ok, how about owning and maintaining a house or being a parent. Those two things definitely feel like “adult” stuff. But they seem like pretty extreme measures to take to achieve the adult feeling. How about not blaming one’s parents, friends, or family for any issues one might have? To totally take accountability and embrace your free will. Your existence and lifestyle can be all up to you?
Ah! Thank you! Yes. I think THAT’S it, at the end there: “How about not blaming … take accountability and embrace your free will … all up to you?” At least, that’s what I’m buying.
The first few things are right on, too — having a house or being a mom/dad are very Grown Up. I think some people reach for those as a way to become Adult (that always seems extreme to me), and in other cases getting a house or becoming a parent forces you to be an Adult. My meandering thoughts wonder where that puts me: a person not really interested in buying a place or becoming a parent. But I think your last few sentences show the real mark.
That all fits with my whines about other people, too — the ones obsessed with becoming an Adult (and maybe those like me who are just pondering it now and again) haven’t full realized the bit about free will and the necessary accountability.
Had to post this link:
http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22322/35339-twenty-five-signs-grown
love it! and there are still a few that aren’t true for me yet (#5, #7, #8, just to start). so, I AM NOT A GROWN UP! (and that last sentence proves it.)